Closet Case
by Lady Wolfie
Summary: Remus is sick of a lovesick Tonks stalking him. Sirius has a plan to get her off his back. Quick oneshot. Please review!


**Title**: Closet Case

**Rating**: K+

**Genre**: Humor

**Setting**: Summer of OOTP. Really, do you expect any different from me at this point?

**Ships**: Anti-RLNT. Yeah, you heard me.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**A/N**: So I actually got out of bed last night to get my notebook and write this. I think fanfic has finally consumed my life since I'm officially choosing it over sleep. Also, why do I suddenly enjoy torturing poor Remus? I love him very much, but causing him discomfort is just so much fun. Anyway, enjoy, and please review!

* * *

Remus burst into the drawing room of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and slammed the door behind him, leaning against it and panting.

"Hide me," he said, fear evident in his eyes. Sirius, Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other questioningly, then at Remus who had just opened the door a crack and swore when he saw his pursuer not far from the room.

"You okay, Moony?" asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow at the nervous werewolf.

Remus paced the floor, unsure of what to do with himself. "It's that bloody woman!" he replied. "She won't leave me alone!" Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other, confused.

"What's going on?" asked Harry tentatively. Sirius grinned.

"Moony's got a girlfriend." Remus stopped pacing and glared at Sirius. "She's _not_ my girlfriend," he said sternly. "She's a bloody stalker!" They heard footsteps not far from the room and Remus looked around frantically as if hoping one of the people in the room would hide him under their cloaks. His eyes settled on the closet at the far end of the room and he managed to hide himself inside of it just seconds before the drawing room door opened and Tonks stepped inside. The Golden Trio had to hold back their looks of shock. _Tonks_ was Remus' stalker?! Of all the people in the world, it had to be the pink-haired Metamorphmagus that struck terror into the heart of the werewolf.

"Any of you guys seen Remus?" she said in an almost urgent tone, not even giving a nod of greeting to the Trio and Sirius. Harry, Ron and Hermione shook their heads no and Tonks sighed, settling down on the couch next to Sirius.

"Tonksie, dear," said Sirius, a hint of mischief in his grin (which Tonks fortunately didn't notice, but Harry, Ron and Hermione did), "there's something I think you should know about Remus." The room was suddenly oddly quiet; Remus was clearly holding his breath. The Trio abandoned their summer homework and were watching the conversation with interest, curious to see what Sirius was getting at.

"He doesn't like me, does he?" said Tonks, dejectedly. Sirius wrapped a comforting arm around her.

"Don't worry, Tonks, it's not _you_. Remus…just…" Tonks looked up at Sirius expectantly.

"Remus what?"

"Remus is…" Sirius hesitated for a moment for dramatic effect, then blurted out, "Remus is in the closet!" Sirius sighed dramatically and Tonks' eyes widened in shock. It took Harry, Ron and Hermione a moment to realize exactly what kind of "in the closet" Sirius meant, but when they did, it took every ounce of willpower they collectively possessed to keep from bursting out laughing. Sirius shot them a knowing grin and said to Tonks, "It's quite a shock, I know."

"But-but…how long have you known? You knew I liked him, why didn't you tell me?!"

"Not long," he replied. "I'm sorry, Tonksie, but he made me promise not to tell." Tonks nodded sadly and got up from the couch.

"All right," she said. "Later, guys." The room was silent for a few moments after she left, but the silence was broken when Remus slammed open the closet door, his face flushed red with anger. The sight only made the Trio finally release their laughter, but Remus was too focused on his so-called best friend who was lying calmly on the couch, his hands behind his head, to notice.

"IN THE **_CLOSET_**?!" cried Remus angrily.

"Hey," said Sirius, "at least she's off your back now!" Remus' shoulders slumped slightly in recognition that he was right. "But Kingsley won't be when Tonks tells him the news! He's obviously a closet case too!" At this, Remus tackled Sirius who laughed hysterically as Remus attempted to beat him to a bloody pulp. "This is doing nothing for your credibility!" cried Sirius in between laughs. Remus practically jumped off of the Animagus, straightened his robes, and stormed out of the room. The Trio, finally calming down from their bout of laughter, gazed at Sirius admiringly.

"That was brilliant," said Ron. "Absolutely bloody brilliant!"

"Yeah," said Sirius, suavely, "I still got it."

* * *

A/N: Weak ending, I know. I'll come up with something amazing about ten minutes from now and kick myself for not waiting to post it. Ah, well. Please don't forget to review! 


End file.
